Xmas shopping is for psychos

Went to run errands today..
Supposed to be simple. TaKa, Wisma and later city hall.. lastly JP.
But i died at stop no. 1..
Taka: checkout wine glasses.. okay... then i got more orders to buy FORKS.
the crowd was madness. it was raining.. and i didnt have my lunch.

Wisma.. not so bad.. bought nic's xmas stuff.. thats all.. zoom zoom.. still no food. got myself a green tea at the 7-11 and stuff..

interesting part between wisma and city hall.. popped onto train.. saw this familiar girl sleeping.. it was may... i didnt have my specs on.. and it took sometime to register and to shut me up from existential chitchat..

think she saw me when i alighted.. but i didnt say hi.. just frowned.. and yeah.. walked out.. usual.

Blah blah blah.. got stuff.. blah blah.. no in mood to blog anyway..
xmas rocks my ass

131206

alot of thoughts going tru my brain now..

wrote something on the bus with my hp.. kinda deleted it.. but yeah.. to put it simply.. this is one of the days which i tell people about my beliefs.

Karma: action reaction.. natural science physics what u call it.. but yeah.. u buy people roses, u get roses, u treat people bad, people treat u bad..

on the circumstance of friends.. i took someone as a pure WORK friend whom which had no much communication outside of sch work... and i guess the person is taking me for the same.. i find it pathetic that we seem so close but are so far apart.. people say that we look close but thats all there is.. whats having friends without having them to feel for u? i do for them.. but sadly thats not what i get in return.. but yeah.. maybe cause i refuse to feel or think anything of them.. cause.. everyone has their right to live the way they wanna... i wouldnt stop that..

sometimes u gotta theres someone looking over ur shoulder from up there.. either i am delusional or that.. at that instant when my pick flew before my solo, something told me that i should do what i have always been doing and not what i have been making myself too.. my background is a classical guitarist.. picks isnt my thing.. and yeah.. the time to shine.. i shld actually use my fingers and show what i can do.. thats a better way to consider than just.. F*** how am i supposed to play now?

and yeah.. abt friends.. i believe u will see ur true friends when u are confronted with a situation or problem.. people shine the best when they need help or meet a problem.. i can see that the year 3s are so united that u can see the CLS spirit in them.. something that i cant see myself having yet and that i cant see me doing with my 2 other friends.. just lack that passion.. that drive.. and that togetherness.. i cried when i saw the video in the audi. its like i cant see their spirit in the club anymore.. no more cheerful faces waiting for us.. and it would be so lonely without them.. thats what i call friends.. who cheer u up when u're down.. attempt to make u luff despite throwing their faces all over the floor.. teaching us life lessons like patience and persistence by asking u to pull a piece of cloth over a table..

To the seniors weixin, nasir, tat siong tze hao wei jian and qing zhen.. u guys rock.. and i shall remember u guys as long as i live..
thanks for all the fun and smiles u've given me.. Hope you guys succeed in whatever u do!
Three cheers!

White stripes rule

Saw this on MTV days ago.. damn rocks.. he works damn cool with the slide.. distortion is like music to my ears.. i will attempt this someday.. onli if got people appreciate.. hahaha...

Need help..

Somehow.. after playing guitar for so long a time.. still super nervous.. rather unconfident.. need my muse or someone to help.. actually left out a point to all my friends.. my muse is someone that i just helplessly fall in love with and give me motivation.. and often turn out to be just a plain friend.. hahaha.. its nothing scandalous.. and i'm afraid that my muse (previous) has lost her effect on me.. now i hope someone new will give me that hype and strength..

I seldom ask for help.. but now.. its just not something about me.. don want to let people down.. so shall do my best and seek inspiration.. hope the trip to do chores will help..

Gimme strength and inspiration to make wonderful music that comes from deep down..
tomorrow is the one and only chance i have.. make it good. u onli leave once.. and i shall leave in a blaze of glory..

hahaha.. bon jovi song.. hope i succeed with my solo.. and chords too.. give them a good show..
squinting.. cant realli see that well.. but yeah.. think i'll end it here.. for those who read this.. wish me good luck.. =)

Dilemma

I always hypothesized that a certain group of people would be affected by a existential dilemma.. where they would be unmotivated and that they would be unhappy with life in general sense. i believe they are those who are the new age free thinkers.. as those who have a religion would fall back on that at times where they feel lost and depressed.

For those who do not have religion as a safety net, i believe they will go through a search for the meaning of life.. and something that shall justify their existence. This process is hard.. as what they believe in might cause them to get into deeper water in which they would have to wake up and fall back to reality.

The meaning of life.. is something only oneself can understand and uncover.. however, i once found that the meaning of life can be around us to start with.. the people around us.. the facts of live.. in which we find precious.. and people who are our motivation and drive for life..

And so, i propose, for people who lack that meaning in life.. reach out to others.. and this might prove to be the meaning to your life while helping someone else in need and letting them find their motivation and strength to carry on in life..

Help yourself by helping others.

My chemical romance dead!

interesting stuff this guy's made.. quite cool.. something i'll try if i have the processing speed and power and stuff.. u rock dude..

EQ test? so am i as smart as a chimp?

Your EQ is 127
50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick!
51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese.
71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy.
Barely.91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that.
111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt.
131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin.
150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar.

i'm spoilt? not possible

People often say i have an interesting taste for everything fanciful and expensive. okay. i said that. i like good food, was brought up to appreciate food.. expensive japanese cuisine u see on tv.. raw everything.. and yeah.. good sake.

That.. the last one.. was not when i was brought up.. it was more.. 3 days ago.. kinda bought many bottles of sake.. exhibition at isetan scotts.. cool place.. at first spent like 200+ bucsks on my big darling.. and my 2 other lovers... 1 sparkling sake.. and 1 ice sake.. super cool.. something that i finished just like that with rosa on friday night with not much of an impact.

I like the ice one.. u can keep it frozen then drink it when u want.. sparkling too much of a ladies drink for me.. and yeah.. like now have 3 ice in my fridge.. the 3 sparkling coming on tues cause the guy who reserved them for me disappeared and some one actually took mine.. ****.. but yeah.. i don need it urgently.. just make sure i get what i want.. if not someone is going to die..

and yeah.. my 1.8L darling.. love ya so much.. although label abit off.. keep the box will be fine le i think.. cause yeah.. so pretty and she's 1.8... L... haahhah.. 67.. considered cheap compared to off the shelf and buying many bots at once.. and yeah.. will have it during festive season.. if not just bring home and continue drinking.. rocks..

Japanese sake is just like girls.. the more refine, the ones which are worth more.. might not need to come in gd packing, but its mostly the effort put in to sculp the rice wine, or the materials that are in it.. or as we can say the factors then are already in the girls before.. the essence of the person. so yeah.. the more refine the girl.. the more substance or better substance if such a thing is possible will be present.

sucks.. pics cant load
just have to do it another day.. cya..
Goodbye to meaningless drinking.. back to sch work.. quiz and hopes for a better and healthier lifestyle...

GAMBEI!

Spiderman Trailer out.cool

Muahahahah

hey hey

guys who actually care bout me and read this lousy thingy.. assembly of HTML codes to make something sorta blog,

i'm much better now.. in constant reminded of my goal in life, aka my logo( meaning).. hahaha.. and yeah.. my muse.. has given the motivation to cook again.. and yeah.. test out more mouth watering recipies to feed those around me..

read my man's search for meaning today till the point where i was sleeping on the train after a shot of volka at aloys.. neat room.. bose system.. but yeah.. my cheapo shit is cool cause the rock still sounds not bad and shall not compare it to a bose. talked damn lot with him today.. came clean and yeah.. happy that ive done so and that i am glad that i'm moved on.. but yeah.. i still care for the pep around me and yeah.. i still think of them when i make my decisions. cool.

But yeah.. going to show the world what i'm capable of.. i'l start talking again.. cooking.. being realli happy at an existential level.. if i understand logotherapy.. i'll work it on myself and those around me.. i hope i can use it wisely.. and help pep..

hahaha./. superman complex still present.. ubermench.. cool
thats all i have to say.. and yeah.. feeling like cool.. survived the shot.. still typing.. and dota AI is not that bad after all..

Get Busy Living or get busy Dying

From day one
I talked about getting out
But not forgetting about
How all my worst fears are letting out
He said "Why put a new address on the same old lonliness?"
When breathing just passes the time
Until we all just get old and die
Now talking's just a waste of breath
And living's just a waste of death
And why put a new address on the same old lonliness?
And this is you and me and me and you
Until we've got nothing left

this is something on the fall out boy record for the song Get busying living or get busy dying
quite meaningful for me.. especially at this time.. only that theres only me and no one else. interesting..

Friends

Seriously.. somethings.. all u need in life is just a few friends to let u know that life is actually worth the struggle.

I spend my time eating with aud, huizhen and wayne in marina square.. then head to esplanade roof top with my beloved stella, 1 blueberry volka thingy and a tiny bottle of choya..

Thats all it took for me to unwind. i needed that.. sch sucks.. deadlines after deadline.. friends are alrite but yeah.. not realli what i need to justify my existence.. i miss my old friends.. although they have their own lives now.. but yeah.. occasionally meeting up and talking works for me. met rosa.. hx, yx and ys before that.. and meeting simin on weds.. xinru too.. but didnt realli like go out and have a chat..

Poly friends are just plain.. hi bye.. rather superficial except a few.. gls.. but yeah.. everyone seems so stressed out nowadays.. not mentioning me.. i cant find a reason to smile or be happy in sch.. lecturers can be funny.. not nothing realli affects me..

need something to do.. not work.. something to unwind.. give me more motivation to work to and get my bum off that mouldy lecture theater chair.

Give me meaning.. give me life.

Drinking. Cool

Today went out with rosa..

Not exactly just enjoying by drinking and spending cash..but yeah.. we did lotsa stuff before reaching for drinks...
met xinru on way too.. and yeah.. he going for sp play thingy.. happy that i wasnt there.. drinking session was great

3 weeks.. sober.. broken again.. but worth it.. we went to this indochine place in holland v.. nice place.. hid in a corner.. nice ambience..candle lit.. blue lights.. leaves.. spinning fan.. but abit weird for 2 pep talking bout how screwd up their lives are... luffing away.. spoiling the ambience for couple who actually went there..

drank alot.. or a variety on my sense.. 1 pint erdinger draught, 1 small cup of cheap whisky neat, 1 shot to tequila, 1 shot of volka... volume small.. but eyah.. don drink too much spirits and stuff normally.. hahaha... bill was fine actually.. quite cheap..

i like these sessions.. but onli comes when people realli have problems on their mind and can just share them like this.. real.. nothing made up or fake.. the way i like gals.. and yeah..relationships with people.

Panic! at the disco

This video shows why panic! at the disco cant realli make it as mainstream.. somehow.. too much emphasis or if the whole subject matter is on sex is not too welcomed.. or maybe it just lacks the ring.. but yeah.. panic's music is nice.. but rather adult content-ish

heres the lyrics..

PANIC! AT THE DISCO LYRICS"Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off"

Is it still me that makes you sweat?

Am I who you think about in bed?

When the lights are dim and your hands are shaking as you're sliding off your dress?

Then think of what you did

And how I hope to God he was worth it.

When the lights are dim and your heart is racing as your fingers touch your skin.

I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck

Than any boy you'll ever meet, sweetie you had me

Girl I was it, look past the sweat, a better love deserving of

Exchanging body heat in the passenger seat?

No, no, no, you know it will always just be me

Let's get these teen hearts beating.

Faster, faster

So testosterone boys and harlequin girls,

Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close?

So testosterone boys and harlequin girls,

Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close?

So I guess we're back to us, oh cameraman, swing the focus

In case I lost my train of thought, where was it that we last left off?(Let's pick up, pick up)

Oh now I do recall, we were just getting to the part

Where the shock sets in, and the stomach acid finds a new way to make you get sick.

I hope you didn't expect that you'd get all of the attention.

Now let's not get selfish

Did you really think I’d let you kill this chorus?

Let's get these teen hearts beating.

Faster, faster

So testosterone boys and harlequin girls,

Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close?

So testosterone boys and harlequin girls,

Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close?

Dance to this beat

Dance to this beat

Dance to this beat

Let's get these teen hearts beating.

Faster, faster

Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster

I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck

Than any boy you'll ever meet, sweetie you had me

Girl I was it, look past the sweat, a better love deserving of

Exchanging body heat in the passenger seat?

No, no, no, you know it will always just be me

Let's get these teen hearts beating.

Faster, fasterSo testosterone boys and harlequin girls,

Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close?

So testosterone boys and harlequin girls,

Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close?

So testosterone boys and harlequin girls

Dance to this beat

So testosterone boys and harlequin girls

Dance to this beat

And hold a lover close

Let's get these teen hearts beating.

Faster, faster

Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster

Thanks to Nina (iluvsk8rss@aol.com), Samantha (condemnedtonow@aol.com), Skye (Brooke_p_davis@hotmail.com), Viviana Rios (saber_07@hotmail.com), Laura Will Willson for correcting these lyrics

Turn offs

somehow.. been feeling down and super turned off lately.. just of the world of everything happening..

Detached from my friends again. battling insanity..
so yeah.. shall list down what i feel turns me of in the opposite sex.

1. Girls who smoke
2. Girls who drink too much (i drink but yeah.. drunk girls are so ugly)
3. Girls who have a higher sex drive then i do
4. Girls who swear as if there is no tomorrow
5. Girls who just want to have fun like theres no tomorrow
6. Girls who somehow just crave for attention from the opposite sex just for gratification
7. Weird girls
8. Girls who habour ulterior motives and abuse my sense of justice.

yup. can see that the last is something that i squeeze out and think i have nothing more to add... somehow.. stuff that i do. and some that i don are in that list.. but yeah.. just cant stand girls who look like old decaying flesh and smells of smoke and alcohol.. major turn off... and yeah.. somehow.. decided that Sins are not for me... simple life.. mundane... but.. yeah.. everything has a trade off.. i just wanna get my enthusiasm back into me.

Screwd life.

rehab was going fine until unknown interactions with my plans.
Lost motivation to turn into nice ass( good ? or bad?)
Continued drinking.
sumation of the 2 = being called a liar (true but not v. nice)

Gain a new friend, broke her head.
Cried when i found my new meaning in live- a synthetic substitute for another being.
Destroy all my efforts, back to reoccuring dreams
Still haunted by my past, onli now, worst, torn and dismayed
Whatever the last word meant...

Built fiction and called it my life.
With real people except with made up lives.
Personalities that i like, everyone with good intentions
Onli now that i see, a freaking bunch of lies.

See. self deception is bad. Duh?
Motivation using the wrong people or facts. Bad!
I like the punctuations. Make me see ever so spiteful.
But yeah.. i still cant rhyme.

Regret

Death has always been intriguing for me
How it can result in changes so drastic that it can change a person's direction towards life.
How it can make macro changes in the world
and how this destructive force can be a driving force for many.

But.. for some.. it takes the drive away... With that comes regret.
Would u be proud of what how u are treating those around you?
What would happen if someone close was to move on and cease to exist?
Would u regret not spending enough time, giving them the attention and concern that they require?
Would u dwell on instances which u are guilty for, when u know u were wrong but just cant seem to say sorry and did something drastic?
Would u want to undo all these mistakes?
I for one enjoy living in memories, but get very much affected by repeating memories of mistakes, in which pain is also dealt to another being.

The whole idea of how a person lives will result in whether regret will be prominent.
I believe in balance, hence, i cant be only kind or only evil but a combination and expressed of either at a certain period or situation.

I am nice.. at least i think i am at certain times. But there is still the evil or ugly side of me.
I don believe in being nice 24-7 because dissapointment exist. What i can do for others others might not do for me. and i don no expect to the same degree.. only the rare instances that i hope for and often odes not occur and get even more dissapointed.

i bear the strain on being nice to everyone and everyday. people get tired.. and thats why i believe there has to be another side.. only that it should be occuring lesser than the before.

Regret comes in the picture when the nice persona recalls events of the evil period.
But should i attempt the impossible of staying nice and postive for eternity?
or live with my philosophy with the likely chance of regret in my life?

I'll opt for the first. but i hope dissapointments do not overcome me. As everytime it gets harder and harder to positive and nice.

Good luck to myself with the war waged against myself.. beliefs and the world.

Updates

Are blogs all about what people have done and thought about others? maybe i shall inject more meaning into this portal to different worlds.

Sober= for 2 weeks. onli. 6% also consided alcohol..

Missing someone.

Mind's screwd. Weird thoughts. Studied anatomy a wee bit too much.

Attraction is weird. For me at least. Sometimes.. sins are not all that u can have or want. Sometimes pep just want a simple way out. Someone to love.. may not seek for any in return.. but enough. Food. U don need gormet food everyday.. wine.. don need to be intoxicated every single day..

Get High on life.. Addicted to love..
Thats all i need..
But yeah.. will i covet for the opposite when i have that?
That we will not know..

1 week ago..

Exactly 1 week ago.. i was at one of my friends house..
2.++ am .. hahaha

Before that was 100% pure fun.. so much fun that i haven had in a long time..
Actually forgot how it feels like to just hang with friends.. without stress.. playing lanterns.. candles and setting play grounds on fire.. what a wonderful like of teens inhaling 1st hand pollution with the combustion of scrap found around us.. its been sometime since i;ve met up with my old old friends.. and yeah.. i guess its the same after all.. onli that we have gone on our separate paths but still could get together on this one occasion.. the one that started everything.. yx's birthday.. hahah

as part of our long traditions.. her birthday is impt.. we have to celebrate with her and yeah.. i have used all ways to cheat lie and deceive her into thinking that we have forgotten.. as a part of being older.. we skipped all those and jumped into the celebrate with a little alcohol to bring the mood up.. 6%., its a kid drink.. hahaha

But yeah.. its been a week and i'm missing them already..but u can always have good times... or can u..?

Updates updates and updates

Life is quite screwd.
I shld get a bigger social circle.
Falling for the wrong girls.
Would u make a choice between having someone as only a friend or someone close if u only allowed 1 scenario and no over lapping?
What would u do.
Friends last a lifetime.. flings... what? its over already.

Okay.. to that someone out there.. i'll let time take its course..
will see in the future.. spin life as if its a coin and let fate decide.
not very existentialist.. but.. i guess.. what else can i do.

Suffering leads to experience which justifies my existence.
I suffer therefore i exist.. Me
i believe therefore i exist... Schizo me
I do not exist.. Pessimist
I think therefore i exist... Rene Decartes

16 hours to judgement

results coming in less than 16hrs. so many bdays. Meetings. My head is so empty now. something is sucking me dry. i don feel good. i feel sick. i need a break. philosophical one. what shld i do tomorrow? go for a walk alone? i wanna go some where to get some rest. sit. think. figure stuff out.

i need help.

The last week

Seriously.. i tot the holidays would onli be hard to endure.. but yeah.. the past week was cool.. Its a mainly CLS event until friday when we had dinner with goh and fish and co. alrite for me.. but i ate that 2 days in a row.. exact same dishes too..

monday was sentosa cum stay over day.. interesting.. CLS people first time come my house.. not bad..some left in the morning.. leaving jy and wayne staying til like 4 or 5.. then it came days when i had to go back for meetings.. to confirm stuff.. seeing wk every single day of the week.. hahaha..

interesting.. interesting.. life has go into a turn.. somehow. theres not much to say but i realli hope i don screw up IC.. and yeah.. don want to make that a trad.

helping to do inventory and getting stuff tomorrow.. hope wont be too bad.. and yeah.. game trial soon.. i hope everything goes well.. cross finger*

Pr Comm Outing

Hemm.. the outing to sentosa was fine.. couldnt get high initially.. actually throughout whole thing not high.. hahaha.. didnt realli get a tan and stuff but had fun..

Then came pool.. i played like crap and i was so lousy.. hahaha.. too long never touch.. and yeah.. think i getting older.. losing the vibes and stuff already..

Ton-ning session.. cool.. somehow.. it became my house and yeah.. its like spot check to my house.. house was relatively clean.. mum shld have done some cleaning and yeah.. having a spare room in the house is great.. partying.. drinking.. eating.. talking rubbish and yeah.. there was a surprise guest who got locked outside of the house when she bought M&ms and decided to go for a ride on 502.. i replied her onli like after an hour cause my phone was still comfortably in my bag and yeah.. then i asked her to come over to just avoid having to need to sit outside her house till morn. and yeah.. there was a bathroom for her. hahaha..

i stayed up till like 6.. when i finally lost consciousness and drop and fell asleep. i had no idea how i got onto my bed and yeah.. slept tru the time where my siblings and parents were awake and god knows what they thought.. hahaah.. so. yeah.. brace myself for the scary stuff.. hahaha.. but it was just plain innocent conking out on my bed..

wayne ww wk and jy were at my place and it was cool.. got to know more abt them and they should have learnt something about me.. something tells me i'm going to continue living this way till i finally decide to commit again.. friends are cool.. u don need some girl to take up ur life and isolate myself.. too bad i'm not going to genting.. saddening..

My goals in life

HAhah.. seriously. Taste buds are hard to pay for. I like good food , places with good ambience. special places.

Places where u can bring girls and impress them. but. u need a tonne of cash. Due to the fact that i don no have a mine of goal or have parents who own a company which prints money, i have to work for it.

And yeah.. will i be able to lead that lifestyle? i want to. i have to . and i'll hope there will be a lucky sharing them with me.

Been going out with mum alot. fancy bars. good food. drinks. and i realli think that life without her might just make it more interesting in the future. too bad you werent there at loof watching fireworks or at mt faber.. maybe the next will.. =)

Altivo is at mt faber jewel box, peak of mt faber. great scenary and on looking sentosa and central singapore. The toilet is a must-see too.. great view to pee. hahaha.. food was great too.. hahaha..

Contemplation

i remember using the title before and my friends believe that its always nothing good.
but i believe thought is good.

i went a full circle to understand how relationships work.. how i tried to impress everyone but end up at the same starting pt, how i put down my guard and bummed arnd and finally got attention. How i can come from a family where physical contact is weird and end up with a girl who thought me much more than any book could about the impacts of mere contact of the human hand.

i learnt alot. but i'm still ending up here sitting infront of the com. unwilling to give up my thoughts and go to sleep. i'm back now where physical contact with any living organism is approximately 0 and where in the world i am alone.. until a familiar face strikes me.

i'm sober for some time and i actually took advice from people i ignored from the start. "Be a nicer person, don be mean. Stop drinking.. u cant drink as well as u think.." I proved myself wrong by puking a 120buck bot of wine.. that i regret and end up lonely with no one to do a simple thing as to dine with me.

Food is tasteless.. without companion. i have lost my taste.. my touch.. my senses are numb now.. no one realli knows.. and no one will.. until someone.. has the able to break off the chains i put on myself.. and let me warm up to people again..

Just a tinge of sadness.. even the wonderful flowers at secret garden are sitting and waiting.. someone to buy them for.. sad.. truely.. sad..

When u look into the abyss, the abyss looks into you

Perception is interesting.. especially if u adopt the optimist kinda attitude..

Think about this line.. "when u look into the abyss, the abyss look into you"
Thats what i call a deep metaphorical line and stuff which no one can understand..

Okay.. what i think of it meaning is that no matter what u do, look at something, think, judge, somehow.. you're judging yourself.. no matter what u are looking at, u are indeed looking at yourself..

hahaa.. think alot will not agree.. but yeah.. maybe its just me egoistical.. so whatever i see.. i see myself.. i always think that its true.. no matter what judgements, u are judging yourself and how u compare things is by the use of comparison with urself.

By judgement.. u always compare to oneself.. Someone say that that guy is a mean sarcastic asshole, i say no... i say he's alrite.. and yeah.. if u can beat me.. you're alrite..

When u look at a situation.. who's the first person u associated it with ? family? friends?
Mostly you right.. and yeah.. by you.. u would be judging the situation by ur perception which is mainly judging you. and how you look at things?

i'm losing myself.. so yeah.. guess i'll stop here.. will continue another day
Hope you get better nic.. Being religious(rarely).. take care of yourself.

Fractured memory

The mechanisms of the human brain is quite cool. Some memories vanish for eternity.. others get stuck in your head and stay as long as u live.. Sappy chinese songs are mostly the latter.. and the best part.. i can remember the lyrics and still sing to it.. when its.. something i heard when i was.. young.. realli realli.. young...

大约在冬季
歌手:齐秦
没有你的日子里我会更加珍惜自己
没有我的岁月里你要保重你自己
你问我何时归故里我也轻声地问自己
不是在此时不知在何时我想大约会是在冬季

i could only like understand the chorus and here it its.. its kinda an irritating song delicated to a like girlfriend or Ex girlfriend kinda thing.. and i was singing it one day.. just to annoy my friends.. hahaha

but yeah.. being nice for like 3 days already.. surviving.. and yeah.. friends liking it too..
and yeah.. i was shocked for what i can tolerate

nicole had tix to the Pan Wei Bo thing.. which aloy would rather burn in an electric oven than go to.. but i went with her and her sis.. it was cool. going there with the 2 of them were cool too.. and yeah.. showed me how other families are like.. when people actually have fun and arent so dull.. hahaha.. and yeah.. they're like similar in the sister sense.. and yeah.. it was cool.. fun.. and cool..

and we like had dinner together.. like hokkien mee and carrot cake at the curry kue place.. not bad.. but i think i was too hungry to the point i was spent even after finishing everything.. sleepy... hahaha.. but yeah.. its cool to do different stuff.. some times.. different music which seem weird might still work out somehow.. =)

Awakening

Interesting.. my new perspective on life..
somehow.. i have reached this conclusion before.. but i didnt adopt this
people are happy.. because of the light they see situations in..
optimistic people lead great lives..
pessimists suck. duh?

Okay.. it took shiying and a wonderful subway breakfast for me to get to this conclusion.
i would not say that i'm LIKE shiying.. but.. she is an example.. she was happy speaking to her friend on the train.. (when i was fighting with myself to see whether i have the guts to say hi to her..) and yeah..it became worst when her friend left and came the freezing air arnd me.

then came the bacon and egg this morning.. it was great. i spend money on it. worth it.. but i'm eating.. alone? yes alone. where did i go wrong? its my attitude.. the daoism thing.. like the icy aura when shiying's friend left. and yeah.. my pessimistic ass was afraid to talk to her. and.. what can i learn? i have to be less hostile in appearance, in my case its my character that i actually have to change to have someone come up to me and talk. socialise.. and have friends..
I cant be mean , sarcastic and agressive like what i usually am to have people just come up to me and be nice. and yeah.. somehow, we were on this topic before and now i have a different perspective on that.

so yeah.. shiying.. by any chance of getting to this article.. please do not get upset as this just mean i actually learnt something from you.. and that all u have said is right. i shldnt be so mean and assholic on purpose so as to have FRIENDS. and yeah.. as u have said.. they matter and ultimately.. u were and always would be right ..

and my new resolution is to treat everyone arnd me nicely and hope that my miserable yet costly breakfasts will cease to exist and people actually spend their time with me.
Good luck with ur A's prelims and what not. sorry again for not saying hi, but yeah.. its not a first rite? take care..

and why am i like signing off like a letter to her? its my blog rite? good day everyone.. =)

My first time

I had my first time today.. it was messy.
first time in my life i opened a durian. i was in like polo t and shirt.. it was all over the place.. had like 3 to tackle.. actually quite easy to do.. simple.. just twist at the edges.. and yeah.. when i used my hands it was messy. had ants and stuff.. gross looking.. but yeah.. have to do it someday.. one of those things that men have to do when they grow and stuff. i cant go like.. "eeww.. not going to touch that with my hands.." hahah.. okay.. not that bad.. but.. we all have our firsts..

Primal fears

Today.. i got what i wanted again.. to see her.. out of serendipity.. but somehow.. wasnt wat i expected. when i saw her.. i got nervous.. flight or fight mechanism triggered on.. i had no idea how i am going to say hi to her.. in my slippers , messed up hair.. and yeah.. i was praying she didnt see me.

i didnt say hi, yet again. she stood next to me when we were getting off the train.. and we did.. and i got myself lost in the crowd.. away from her..

the pri sch fear kinda thing came back.. inconfidence.. insecurities.. all layered together like one wrong kuay lapis.. maybe its this period of time.. maybe its because i fear her being judgmental, how fugly i look, how dumb i look and how disgraceful i can be.

i did the same thing once.. and did not say hi, told her so and i got hell. but yeah.. somehow.. that couldnt motivate me enuff to talk.. somehow.. maybe thats why i actually like my genre of girls.. the severe ice queen thing.. she is like the queen of all ice queens and i wasnt able to tackle that.. sadly..

lost to my fears.. once again.

More on Fireworks.

I just realised something that my friend said.. and its v. true..
People change. Time move along and nothing stays the same.

Take fireworks as an example.
1year ago.. i was stuck on some stretch of road, with a specific loved one, sweating like and and yeah.. in the arms of the loved one. -simple yet happy.

now, i got to catch fireworks when i didnt want to, when i was havin chocolate buffet at fullerton, and i caught it at the back yard thingy they have their. -in comfort and chocolate, but alone.

today, its similar, i was at loof, with my mum and my neighbour, (not much company) but in mist of new age, jazzy lounge kinda feel, with beautiful women arnd. - damn comfortable, posh, but still alone.

somehow.. of all the pep i took note off, i was interested in this gal who was drinking a mug of beer, dressed in birkies, t-shirt and jeans. she ate like... me.. using her hand and gobbled, while her friends had cocktails and martinis.. her friends obviously knew how to dress.. but yeah.. the conversation was cool. she was funny, had personality and yeah.. it didnt matter if she didnt bother about appearances... that was cool.

another cool thing i saw was that there was 2 guys with like beers, and i tot it was a guys nite out.. then 1 guy disappeared.. and return with like 2 women and 2 kids.. its like who brings kids to lounge bars or what not? anywae.. the little dude was thirsty.. so he grabbed his dad's beer.. and his dad like grabbed it out of his hand.. and they did that for like N times.. then when they finally got soft drinks it was better.. onli that.. yeah.. the little gal's dad tried to be funny by hiding in the wire fence cum cage thingy and roared at her.. and yeah.. she cried.. it was interesting.. the dad had to run out.. and carry her and comfort her.. the 2 kids were amazed and crawled on the floor (although they could walk) as they were looking at the clear pyrex floor which lets u see people below..
kids are cool.. dumb, funny.. and lack and have a weird sense of humor.. will get someone who like kids.. and is special.. hahaha.. and bring them to loof.. hahaha.. being parents is indeed a chore, but its surely rewarding.

Schs out.. exam's in

Crap.. schs ended. Now.. i have to mug for papers. Not realli motivated to get an A or something.. but yeah.. everyone else is. and yeah.. thats not good.

Been an emo freak lately.. thinkin its the like.. flash back episodes of desperate or lost.. so that yeah.. the viewers wont miss out anything after like donkey episodes.. only prob... my series don really have the suspense or thriller factor in it.. and yeah.. missing those hot chicks too..

So yeah.. think i kinda ran out of stuff to be emo about.. so yeah.. if i find something.. i'll talk about it.. if not.. i'll just experience the beauty of life..

you don have to own a rose to admire its beauty.
you don have to know the girl sitting opposite of ur table but..... u can enjoy the work of art.

Judgement

Was i a good bf?
maybe i didnt treat her how i actually should.
I was mean. abusive.( suffered more trauma than her)
I was spiteful, i was mean.. (did i mention that?)
and yeah.. i wasnt appreciative enough of her.
I didnt give much thought to what she was thinking..
and made her do stuff that i thought right
i was insensitive.. making jokes about stuff which were not funny at all (money,her)
And i repeated that alot. (when i say alot. i mean ALOT)
I treated her like a slaves (washing plates everyone monday)
and i made fun of her infront of my parents, relatives and much more.
i commented on how she look despite how fugly i look.
i ignored her sometimes and i walked faster to make her catch up
i always make her give in during an argument
i make her cry. all the time. alot. (remember what i said bout alot?)

so yeah.. the list goes on.. the only true thing i wanna say is.. yeah.. sorry for being such an ass and yeah.. although i pissed u off at many occasions, i did enjoy the company and the stuff we did. i loved everything u did. But yeah.. why should i show that to you? Thats like showing weakness and yeah. the fugly one is me.

Fireworks

Would u prefer an intense yet short lived relationship? - one that resembles fireworks?
I had one.. enjoyed it.. it was worth it.. but yeah.. it somehow is a coincidence that one of "our song" had this thing about fireworks.. and we had the same luck with fireworks..

remembered the time we went to sentosa alone.. and we camped at the rocky side with that hotel.. and juz when we were going.. there were fireworks.. and yup.. made it even better..
other than that.. it was all the times with the fireworks watching at the esplanade or along the road during the same NDP period this year.. that was cool.

Today was at fullerton at chocolate buffet.. food was alrite.. got girls not bad.. but yeah.. was just for viewing sake.. but yeah. food isnt the same without u.. would like someone who'll eat with me.. someone who likes to enjoy food as much as me and someone to share it with...

got basketball tomorrow and i'm not sleeping yet.. screwd.. its been a year.. cool..

I'm okay..

Somehow.. i'm not drained at all.. i still can do work.. but i have no idea what the quality will be like.. i have 2 more chapters to study.. and my test is tomorrow after my yakult trip.. going to complain to the lecturer how the other lecturer screwd up our report by giving wrong instructions.. damn.. why didnt i ask him.. why didn i ask doc pho.. damn.. too late to regret now..

Somehow.. my old friend reappeared and yeah.. became someone whom i can rely on during the late nights.. someone i can msg before i sleep and stuff.. maybe sometimes friends can be companions too.. and yeah.. maybe.. just maybe when i'm truely over this.. something can happen..

But yeah.. i think its cool just to have friends who care.. even though some of them are flawed and others just love to point out the flaws of others.. everyone is flawed.. i know i am.. but i don point others out.. cause.. once again.. it doesnt realli matter rite?

woah

A whole mars bars is how much it takes... having friends in my life rocks.. and yeah.. although we go by the "fate" thing again.. even better.. hahaa thrill

Blasting cheena rock.. Zhang Zhen Yue.. zi you.. perfect anthem for me now.. and yeah.. gimme my tea or my coffee.. blast rock tru my head phones and gimme a book.. i'm loving my life.. and yeah.. happy to say.. i'm finally freaking back..

WHooo WHooo..

My perspective on love

Life.. is rather dull without company.. but today i am reminded how being single can be interesting.. simple word of "serendipity".

2 accounts.. 1st one.. it was a wednesday nite where i was walking towards dover alone.. with my ta bao-ed dinner and the long winding road to the MRT station.. out of the sudden this fella hits me and yeah.. changed the course of a nite which was supposed to be so boring it would be like knitting a ball of yarn.

the other.. today.. which seem depressing.. on my way to study in JE library.. alone..
when i reached.. so freaking packed..no seats in the cafe.. low.. and kids with their puppy love gfs are everywhere.. and yeah.. when i walked a few rounds and i finally found a seat.. not perfect.. but still a seat..

when i was falling asleep.. someone familiar came up to me and yeah.. cool.. finally someone i know.. and yeah.. she was looking for a place and yeah.. i had a place.. so yeah.. i then moved to get myself a drink and ended up camping downstairs.. after studying at the cafe.. in my comfy sofa seat.. i checked if she was dining out and yeah.. asked her if to msg me when she's hungry.. and yeah.. we had dinner.. and i wasnt so depressed..

moral of story.. sometimes.. friends appear when u are at ur lowest and often.. they help to brighten up my day and yeah.. unless they stalk my blog.. they wont know this..

Evolution

Getting over someone is just getting rid of things that constantly remind you of the person.
i used to be very lazy at grooming myself.. maybe for just the once a month celebration with a nite out.. and yeah.. thats why she gives me so many branded and ex nice stuff.. like landyards.. shirts.. and belt and stuff

have lotsa stuff from her.. and yeah.. have to do something bout it.. therefore.. i went shopping..
2 days in a row.. so much shopping i can finish my shopping in a year.. okay the list is like this now..
day 1

• Teva slippers at 40% off
• 69bucks basketball at 40% off
• 99bucks retro converse high ankle shoes(my dream)

Day 2

• 1swashbuckling shirt from topman.. 41bucks
• 2white shirts from U2.. 30bucks intotal
• my killer rip curl belt.. 49bucks..

hahaha thats like after my 25bucks hair cut from 2way last month.. u always wanted me to get a hair cut there.. i did.. but it wasnt with u.. sad eh?

now its just the bag and headphones left.. think will leave to fate.. when i can meet a decent pair of headphones.. and yeah. the bag.. have to use the one with the faulty zip... =X

dinner was cool.. 3 pep 90bucks at billy bombers.. today more meat with like chicken and ribs(same thing i ate) from kenny rogers.. marina got alot of JC chiobu.. wonder where would i be if i made that choice then.. might have a smart chick with me already.. but yeah.. choices has already been made.. no pt thinking bout them...

My fears.. and digressed

My biggest fear in my life now.. is actually loneliness
So much has changed.. now i'm like all alone

Used to have someone to stick to me every single day and stuff, have to report where i am, what i am doing, and still end up seeing that person.. but yeah.. now.. its all me.. i eat my dinner alone.. i sleep alone on a king sized bed, and i have 2 overly committed friends whom i don really see unless in sch.. its like my 5-day week kinda friends..

i need to get a life.. i've out done myself that i finished a book in like 2 weeks.. record time...
and i cannot really find a book to read.. and yeah.. my friends from the past are all O's or somewhere cant be bothered bout me.. so yeah.. i'll enjoy more M18 movies alone.. hahaha

I've stopped drinking.. eating good food.. cause yeah.. seeing food reminds me of her.. and yeah.. dinner too.. hate eating alone.. rather i don eat and die.. but yeah.. sometimes nice thing happens.. its not the end of the world..

i was like walking alone that long winding road back to dover from Fc2.. after getting my packed dinner for 1 from my fav cai fan store.. some dumbass hit we on my back.. with a water bottle or something.. yeah.. nicole.. so yeah.. some time good things happen when u feel like crap and the sun setting down on ya..

But yeah.. studying alone is cool.. u see so many people u know.. also studying alone.. quite sad.. but shows that its not that bad too.. think i'll just wait for someone to pop into my life..

30mins to my run.. hmm.. ghost month.. should i go joggin? at nite? hmm.. no idea.. anyhow..
watched Life as we know it yesterday.. realised that relationships are just plain crappy.. and yeah.. there will always be a next.. just hope it only gets better..

my taste has changed.. maybe.. u don need a unicorn.. not saying that i don like unicorns.. but yeah.. small girls are cute too.. only that we don see eye to eye.. muahahaha

listening to one thing by finger eleven.. the show reminded me of it.. and yeah.. would u give up everything and trade everything for 1 thing? just that thing that ya want? i would.. i only live once.. and yeah.. make it meaningful.. maybe i should really go for a brain now.. hahaha..

Cute girls are over rated.. maybe i don need another pillow.. have like.. 5? yeah.. can hug them when i sleep.. throw her out the window..

to zhen

I always thought of writing a piece about you..
How much i've missed the little details
the way u fall asleep on my bed..
hugging all my pillow blanket and other stuff

i loved watching u sleep, no doubt unglamourous,
somehow cute.. even when u drool

how u look on weekdays mornings, when u didnt had time to doll up,
with the hair band and thick turtle glasses
my sister couldnt recognise you even
but yeah it doesnt realli matter

i miss the smell u leave behind
not sure if its your perfume
or the smell of ur skin
but that just brings back memories

i love the way u smell
even after work and you smell like kitchen.

i really miss your company
when theres good food, theres no one there to share it with
when theres good wine, it doesnt taste as good without you
theres something missing with everything i do..

i miss your hugs, ur kisses
cause u showed me affection that i didnt know of
i doubt i'll have a girl who showed me passion as much as u did

The dumb but cute still u have done
like when i had chicken pox and i refused to let u in
when our loves was so innocent, i needed a card to remind me of that

ur love for stuffed giraffes
and that i actually lost the one i got you.
sad i know.. i'll get another one for u..
when i get the chance to meet an indeed perfect one.

i put everything meaningful in a box
put it someplace i've showed you before
a shrine of women i could say i indeed have feelings for
and you're one that i will never forget

you changed me
in ways u never think of
i still wear the shirts u gave me
i use the stuff that you bought
till its almost disintegrated
i now love hugs and kisses
but theres no one i can give to
i want to give all of them to you

but i guess.. its not quite possible
glad that u have moved on
and i wish you a good life ahead

sorry for all the tears u'ved shed
you should know that i have shed some for you too
its a first
and i make sure no one see it
Take care of yourself..
Don make ur parents worry
and enjoy ur life to the fullest

yours
alvin

to my friends

Sometimes.. i regret not showing you guys all of me
for some who have seen
they know what i am and what i go through

i know i come off as a sarcastic jackass who luffs at every single person and object
and i don give a damn about anything in the world.
actually i do
too much actually.
when i get depressed,
everything gets to me

i hate being alone
i hate being in the dark
i hate being just myself
i hate myself
i have nothing to be proud of

i rebutt any remark from anyone,
just to defend my ass
i lie just to win the argument
i hate it when u guys get it right
i feel the pain
but i still have to make you not see it

i hate how i'm living
fake
just plain bullshit.

to my wonderful dad

I wonder how u cant understand why i don respect you the smallest bit.
Look at yourself.
What have you done to yourself and everyone arnd you.
Does our lives have to go down in flames when yours do?
Do we have to suffer when you throw ur almost-daily tantrums
Does endangering the lives of your so called loved ones supposed to gain respect for you?

The thing that your proud of.. your 10 long years of driving experience..
would it be ironical if thats the way ur family goes down?
Would u want that?

i don respect u at all..
nothing seems to make me proud of you.
i'll pray if i was religious..
just not to turn into you

but somehow.. when everyone is worshipping their dads
for their knowledge, wisdom.. and other wonderful attributes..
i can only fear being like you
and i know.. there is a high possibilty that i would
people have said i resemble you..
and obviously, i'll give my life up just to see that that doesnt come true.

to that someone

I donno if i like you...
I really hope i don
It seems to me that it'd be perfect
but i think its just me

You're everything i asked for
but i might be just blinded
disoriented

Some friends just cant be together.
Its just wrong
Despite how much i want it to
I don want u to give me the reasons to

But more of why we shouldnt.
That will make me better
much better than u think

I'm still in love with someone..
the after taste is still in me..
everything still reminds me of her
and i do miss her

If we are really meant to be..
it will be in the hands of the unknown
The future.

My suicide lifestyle

I'm trying to get out of my shell..
i like my extremist lifestyle..
i don give a damn..
Where i am..
What time it is..
and what the hell i am doing

That i know last nite
but..
My friends shldnt bear the consequences of my actions
my careless lifestyle..
my self torture

we had fun
but we will feel the burn
Its only a matter of time
cause.. somehow someone will pay

we will hurt
when the world finally crashes down
and its judgement time

i'll bear the pain
but i rather i take all of it that
than to take my friends down with me

i'm such an asshole.. i really shld start being responsible of my actions and stop hurting my friends..
But how? but how?
Going back to what i've been..
Chained

Sorry and sober

Finally understand why drinking is bad for a person.
Its not only the damage to a guys's liver but to the people around them.
This holiday.. i have caused up to 4 girls to puke after drinking.. and somehow.. it all starts with me..
To these ladies.. i'm am indeed sorri.. and i have offered to stop drinking to show how much i'm sorri and i will stop drinking to minimise the probability of forcing someone to drink, or drink in excess...

Its not only about my liver.. its the pain the girls have to go tru after drinking way too much.. and yeah.. it hurts watching them suffer and know that i started all that. thats why i'm doing this..

friends who know me well enuff will know that its either impossible or madness that i will actually stop drinking...
but i know.. karma has it.. when u have happiness, u'll have pain.. now that i have had much fun.. its time to suffer and face the consequences.

I really enjoyed last nite.. but.. it ended on a bad note.. a very painful one.. and i am truely sorri...
To.. my great pal..
Nicole.

To my friend out there

hi.. my lonely friend out in the universe..
i would like u to know that u're not the onli one feeling lonely late at night.. and in fact most people feel that after experiencing changes especially when they lose something they love or had...

and most importantly.. life is not meaningless.. our lives are like a piece of canvas for us to paint on, our experiences, our memories will be left on us to reflect what we have survived. This is the meaning to our lives.. our purpose and meaning is the result of what we have gone through and understood for ourselves..

Essence precedes existence. We have to live our lives to know what our purpose in life which in turn gives it the meaning, unlike other organisms which are born into meaning when they know what they have to do.

So.. dear friend search for ur meaning.. remember that ur lonely nights are not that lonely after all.. look out the window, up the sky and you'll see that you're not alone.. and maybe remember that i might be somewhere.. looking up in the sky and looking at the exact same thing you are looking at...


my intentions are to seperate philosophy and real life events into 2 different blogs.. but philosophy and life.. is not so far apart...

people

got a reminder on why i choose my friends..
there are people who talk to u... and those u talk to..
those whom u help... and those who help you..

i find the latter hard to find. i have seen those who really mean it when they help and those who are just in for the ride... for some.. just going the extra mile seems impossible and i kinda go against that. so.. yeah.. they wont be in the inner circle.. but.. somehow.. no one is right now..

time off...

What i regarded as a retreat turned out to be over-rated.
I could not show what i really felt.. i still had my mask on throughout the nite...
i didnt find someone to talk to.. someone who would listen to what i'm feeling.. but.. i guess its fine...

The problem with this is that.. i might not find that someone within this 2 weeks of holidays.. and i might as well go insane with all the emotions buried deep inside of me.. i realli need to let it all go.. and then recover and move on...

i like cycling.. i like the wind that comes with it.. but somehow.. the feeling of freedom was not all that was present.. there was a tinge of.. sadness... somehow.. i recalled the last time i had that feeling.. and it was after another era..

i guess my theory was rite.. and i'm at the part of the cycle where night is longer than day, and the world just crashes down back onto you.. and yes.. the long bus rifes.. starting to miss them.. and yeah.. there will be philosophy....

thinking twice

Did i give up my committments too easily? i might have another interesting situation if i chose something what i did.. even maybe reach the top of my career of some sort.. oh my god.. am i screwing up my own life for something that is even to me... useless?

i need a drink...

Am i going to settle with this life?

From a very long time ago.. i have found my goals to be rich and sucessful.. To be a highly paid professional who spends money like water.. and still have a sucessful life..

After my recent family gathering, i saw that my side of the family does not realli have that few characteristic while the rather 3rd degree relative has that wonderful life that i'll die for..

did i make another wrong choice that will result in a alternative future? am i holding onto a life style too much that i might stay like this forever and lose the chances of getting my wonderful life?

Do i have to let go of everything i have now to pursue for that goal that i might not reach? being motivated is good for me.. but is there something as being over motivated?

i know i wont settle for a normal.. peaceful middle income family with a 9-5 job where i have to come home for dinner, sleep and wake up in the morning for another mundane day of work?

I wanna play.. have fun.. know people.. but.. is there something in my life stopping me? should i pursue that freedom? Can i?


realli confused

Are you destined for failure?

Hey guys.. don be surprised! this is not the philosophy blog.. cause.. what i am going to say is more of genetics.. and not.. sad nihilistic philosophy..

Are you destined to fail? Something i thought of after thinking about Dr Lecter's stand on genetics.. the one about pigeons as examples.. here it goes..

High rolling pigeon - Dominant-R+
Low rolling Pigeon- Recessive-Rl

The dominant trait will cover the recessive trait and hence cause the offspring to be a high flyer. And according to mendel's rule.. ratio is like 3:1..

that means.. out of 3 offsprings.. 3 of them will be a dominant high rolling pigeon.. and 1 will be a low rolling pigeon. cause the ratio is like 1R+R+, 2R+Rl and 1RlRl(which is the low rolling pigeon)...

The significance of all this is that a high rolling pigeon can breed with either another high rolling pigeon or a low rolling pigeon, but a low rolling pigeon can onli mate with a high rolling pigeon as if a pure recessive low rolling pigeon is born,

It will be almost sure that it will DIE.... It will perform somersaults that will be too low and cause it to crash into the ground and die. (while the other happily rescues itself by flying..)

What if you're that pathetic 1 out of 4? predestined to have a disease or a problem that will cause ur failure in life? who knows? there might even be a failure gene not expressed in your DNA..

We'll never know...

Dread

Do you know your demons?
Be glad that you don.
If you know what they are capable of, you'll prefer you'll never knew about it
I have shown a portion of what i can do.. and someone can easily get hurt..
Somehow.. Deja vu... Stuck in the sick cycle...

Fighting my demons.. something that i can due alone
i need something to chain me to not hurt anyone i love..
Even it is at my expense..
I have to do this..

This feeling is all too familiar..
All these primal demons arise from a common source.
YSUOlAEJ
Something has to be done

Emergence

I have a feeling deep down inside out me.. Something familiar is going to coming back.
Something that might not be useful for myself.
Something that i dread.
Something many will think that will do more harm than good to me.
But however, i do not feel that way. When God gives you something he takes something away from you.. and i believe he has given me something when he takes my happiness away.

However, is that what i want? Will it harm those who are close to me? I hope not..
As i would be fighting myself.. once again..

Back..

After 2 mths of hardcore spending and drinking coffee, we are back together..
Maybe after being apart for so long, it finally occurred to us that maybe we realli did love the company of each other that much, even though most people would regard this as a teen immature 16 year old relationship.

Anyhow, i'm 17 and in 4 mths, i can walk into a 7-11 and pick out any alcoholic beverage and stick my IC into the cashier's face. And yeah, maybe when we decided to give it the most into the relationship, we realli did what we said and we realli had an impact on each other.

I kinda miss being in a relationship. Although u cant just go out the next second after u thought of going out, u cant spend money on yourself just as you would want to, and most of all decide to stay out till the next morning without telling anyone ANYTHING. i like that, but i also like having someone to ask if i've woken up at 2pm, or msg me in the morning when i cant even tell if i'm dreaming or is actually realli look at the handphone.

Life is different.. now... again... i just hope it will just get better and better.. and i'll enjoy it more and more... but now.. i guess.. the metaphor for it as fireworks doesnt realli stand now.. maybe we can be like.. a normal couple? maybe... onli maybe...