Primal fears

Today.. i got what i wanted again.. to see her.. out of serendipity.. but somehow.. wasnt wat i expected. when i saw her.. i got nervous.. flight or fight mechanism triggered on.. i had no idea how i am going to say hi to her.. in my slippers , messed up hair.. and yeah.. i was praying she didnt see me.

i didnt say hi, yet again. she stood next to me when we were getting off the train.. and we did.. and i got myself lost in the crowd.. away from her..

the pri sch fear kinda thing came back.. inconfidence.. insecurities.. all layered together like one wrong kuay lapis.. maybe its this period of time.. maybe its because i fear her being judgmental, how fugly i look, how dumb i look and how disgraceful i can be.

i did the same thing once.. and did not say hi, told her so and i got hell. but yeah.. somehow.. that couldnt motivate me enuff to talk.. somehow.. maybe thats why i actually like my genre of girls.. the severe ice queen thing.. she is like the queen of all ice queens and i wasnt able to tackle that.. sadly..

lost to my fears.. once again.