My suicide lifestyle

I'm trying to get out of my shell..
i like my extremist lifestyle..
i don give a damn..
Where i am..
What time it is..
and what the hell i am doing

That i know last nite
but..
My friends shldnt bear the consequences of my actions
my careless lifestyle..
my self torture

we had fun
but we will feel the burn
Its only a matter of time
cause.. somehow someone will pay

we will hurt
when the world finally crashes down
and its judgement time

i'll bear the pain
but i rather i take all of it that
than to take my friends down with me

i'm such an asshole.. i really shld start being responsible of my actions and stop hurting my friends..
But how? but how?
Going back to what i've been..
Chained

Sorry and sober

Finally understand why drinking is bad for a person.
Its not only the damage to a guys's liver but to the people around them.
This holiday.. i have caused up to 4 girls to puke after drinking.. and somehow.. it all starts with me..
To these ladies.. i'm am indeed sorri.. and i have offered to stop drinking to show how much i'm sorri and i will stop drinking to minimise the probability of forcing someone to drink, or drink in excess...

Its not only about my liver.. its the pain the girls have to go tru after drinking way too much.. and yeah.. it hurts watching them suffer and know that i started all that. thats why i'm doing this..

friends who know me well enuff will know that its either impossible or madness that i will actually stop drinking...
but i know.. karma has it.. when u have happiness, u'll have pain.. now that i have had much fun.. its time to suffer and face the consequences.

I really enjoyed last nite.. but.. it ended on a bad note.. a very painful one.. and i am truely sorri...
To.. my great pal..
Nicole.

To my friend out there

hi.. my lonely friend out in the universe..
i would like u to know that u're not the onli one feeling lonely late at night.. and in fact most people feel that after experiencing changes especially when they lose something they love or had...

and most importantly.. life is not meaningless.. our lives are like a piece of canvas for us to paint on, our experiences, our memories will be left on us to reflect what we have survived. This is the meaning to our lives.. our purpose and meaning is the result of what we have gone through and understood for ourselves..

Essence precedes existence. We have to live our lives to know what our purpose in life which in turn gives it the meaning, unlike other organisms which are born into meaning when they know what they have to do.

So.. dear friend search for ur meaning.. remember that ur lonely nights are not that lonely after all.. look out the window, up the sky and you'll see that you're not alone.. and maybe remember that i might be somewhere.. looking up in the sky and looking at the exact same thing you are looking at...


my intentions are to seperate philosophy and real life events into 2 different blogs.. but philosophy and life.. is not so far apart...

people

got a reminder on why i choose my friends..
there are people who talk to u... and those u talk to..
those whom u help... and those who help you..

i find the latter hard to find. i have seen those who really mean it when they help and those who are just in for the ride... for some.. just going the extra mile seems impossible and i kinda go against that. so.. yeah.. they wont be in the inner circle.. but.. somehow.. no one is right now..

time off...

What i regarded as a retreat turned out to be over-rated.
I could not show what i really felt.. i still had my mask on throughout the nite...
i didnt find someone to talk to.. someone who would listen to what i'm feeling.. but.. i guess its fine...

The problem with this is that.. i might not find that someone within this 2 weeks of holidays.. and i might as well go insane with all the emotions buried deep inside of me.. i realli need to let it all go.. and then recover and move on...

i like cycling.. i like the wind that comes with it.. but somehow.. the feeling of freedom was not all that was present.. there was a tinge of.. sadness... somehow.. i recalled the last time i had that feeling.. and it was after another era..

i guess my theory was rite.. and i'm at the part of the cycle where night is longer than day, and the world just crashes down back onto you.. and yes.. the long bus rifes.. starting to miss them.. and yeah.. there will be philosophy....