Pr Comm Outing

Hemm.. the outing to sentosa was fine.. couldnt get high initially.. actually throughout whole thing not high.. hahaha.. didnt realli get a tan and stuff but had fun..

Then came pool.. i played like crap and i was so lousy.. hahaha.. too long never touch.. and yeah.. think i getting older.. losing the vibes and stuff already..

Ton-ning session.. cool.. somehow.. it became my house and yeah.. its like spot check to my house.. house was relatively clean.. mum shld have done some cleaning and yeah.. having a spare room in the house is great.. partying.. drinking.. eating.. talking rubbish and yeah.. there was a surprise guest who got locked outside of the house when she bought M&ms and decided to go for a ride on 502.. i replied her onli like after an hour cause my phone was still comfortably in my bag and yeah.. then i asked her to come over to just avoid having to need to sit outside her house till morn. and yeah.. there was a bathroom for her. hahaha..

i stayed up till like 6.. when i finally lost consciousness and drop and fell asleep. i had no idea how i got onto my bed and yeah.. slept tru the time where my siblings and parents were awake and god knows what they thought.. hahaah.. so. yeah.. brace myself for the scary stuff.. hahaha.. but it was just plain innocent conking out on my bed..

wayne ww wk and jy were at my place and it was cool.. got to know more abt them and they should have learnt something about me.. something tells me i'm going to continue living this way till i finally decide to commit again.. friends are cool.. u don need some girl to take up ur life and isolate myself.. too bad i'm not going to genting.. saddening..

My goals in life

HAhah.. seriously. Taste buds are hard to pay for. I like good food , places with good ambience. special places.

Places where u can bring girls and impress them. but. u need a tonne of cash. Due to the fact that i don no have a mine of goal or have parents who own a company which prints money, i have to work for it.

And yeah.. will i be able to lead that lifestyle? i want to. i have to . and i'll hope there will be a lucky sharing them with me.

Been going out with mum alot. fancy bars. good food. drinks. and i realli think that life without her might just make it more interesting in the future. too bad you werent there at loof watching fireworks or at mt faber.. maybe the next will.. =)

Altivo is at mt faber jewel box, peak of mt faber. great scenary and on looking sentosa and central singapore. The toilet is a must-see too.. great view to pee. hahaha.. food was great too.. hahaha..

Contemplation

i remember using the title before and my friends believe that its always nothing good.
but i believe thought is good.

i went a full circle to understand how relationships work.. how i tried to impress everyone but end up at the same starting pt, how i put down my guard and bummed arnd and finally got attention. How i can come from a family where physical contact is weird and end up with a girl who thought me much more than any book could about the impacts of mere contact of the human hand.

i learnt alot. but i'm still ending up here sitting infront of the com. unwilling to give up my thoughts and go to sleep. i'm back now where physical contact with any living organism is approximately 0 and where in the world i am alone.. until a familiar face strikes me.

i'm sober for some time and i actually took advice from people i ignored from the start. "Be a nicer person, don be mean. Stop drinking.. u cant drink as well as u think.." I proved myself wrong by puking a 120buck bot of wine.. that i regret and end up lonely with no one to do a simple thing as to dine with me.

Food is tasteless.. without companion. i have lost my taste.. my touch.. my senses are numb now.. no one realli knows.. and no one will.. until someone.. has the able to break off the chains i put on myself.. and let me warm up to people again..

Just a tinge of sadness.. even the wonderful flowers at secret garden are sitting and waiting.. someone to buy them for.. sad.. truely.. sad..

When u look into the abyss, the abyss looks into you

Perception is interesting.. especially if u adopt the optimist kinda attitude..

Think about this line.. "when u look into the abyss, the abyss look into you"
Thats what i call a deep metaphorical line and stuff which no one can understand..

Okay.. what i think of it meaning is that no matter what u do, look at something, think, judge, somehow.. you're judging yourself.. no matter what u are looking at, u are indeed looking at yourself..

hahaa.. think alot will not agree.. but yeah.. maybe its just me egoistical.. so whatever i see.. i see myself.. i always think that its true.. no matter what judgements, u are judging yourself and how u compare things is by the use of comparison with urself.

By judgement.. u always compare to oneself.. Someone say that that guy is a mean sarcastic asshole, i say no... i say he's alrite.. and yeah.. if u can beat me.. you're alrite..

When u look at a situation.. who's the first person u associated it with ? family? friends?
Mostly you right.. and yeah.. by you.. u would be judging the situation by ur perception which is mainly judging you. and how you look at things?

i'm losing myself.. so yeah.. guess i'll stop here.. will continue another day
Hope you get better nic.. Being religious(rarely).. take care of yourself.

Fractured memory

The mechanisms of the human brain is quite cool. Some memories vanish for eternity.. others get stuck in your head and stay as long as u live.. Sappy chinese songs are mostly the latter.. and the best part.. i can remember the lyrics and still sing to it.. when its.. something i heard when i was.. young.. realli realli.. young...

大约在冬季
歌手:齐秦
没有你的日子里我会更加珍惜自己
没有我的岁月里你要保重你自己
你问我何时归故里我也轻声地问自己
不是在此时不知在何时我想大约会是在冬季

i could only like understand the chorus and here it its.. its kinda an irritating song delicated to a like girlfriend or Ex girlfriend kinda thing.. and i was singing it one day.. just to annoy my friends.. hahaha

but yeah.. being nice for like 3 days already.. surviving.. and yeah.. friends liking it too..
and yeah.. i was shocked for what i can tolerate

nicole had tix to the Pan Wei Bo thing.. which aloy would rather burn in an electric oven than go to.. but i went with her and her sis.. it was cool. going there with the 2 of them were cool too.. and yeah.. showed me how other families are like.. when people actually have fun and arent so dull.. hahaha.. and yeah.. they're like similar in the sister sense.. and yeah.. it was cool.. fun.. and cool..

and we like had dinner together.. like hokkien mee and carrot cake at the curry kue place.. not bad.. but i think i was too hungry to the point i was spent even after finishing everything.. sleepy... hahaha.. but yeah.. its cool to do different stuff.. some times.. different music which seem weird might still work out somehow.. =)

Awakening

Interesting.. my new perspective on life..
somehow.. i have reached this conclusion before.. but i didnt adopt this
people are happy.. because of the light they see situations in..
optimistic people lead great lives..
pessimists suck. duh?

Okay.. it took shiying and a wonderful subway breakfast for me to get to this conclusion.
i would not say that i'm LIKE shiying.. but.. she is an example.. she was happy speaking to her friend on the train.. (when i was fighting with myself to see whether i have the guts to say hi to her..) and yeah..it became worst when her friend left and came the freezing air arnd me.

then came the bacon and egg this morning.. it was great. i spend money on it. worth it.. but i'm eating.. alone? yes alone. where did i go wrong? its my attitude.. the daoism thing.. like the icy aura when shiying's friend left. and yeah.. my pessimistic ass was afraid to talk to her. and.. what can i learn? i have to be less hostile in appearance, in my case its my character that i actually have to change to have someone come up to me and talk. socialise.. and have friends..
I cant be mean , sarcastic and agressive like what i usually am to have people just come up to me and be nice. and yeah.. somehow, we were on this topic before and now i have a different perspective on that.

so yeah.. shiying.. by any chance of getting to this article.. please do not get upset as this just mean i actually learnt something from you.. and that all u have said is right. i shldnt be so mean and assholic on purpose so as to have FRIENDS. and yeah.. as u have said.. they matter and ultimately.. u were and always would be right ..

and my new resolution is to treat everyone arnd me nicely and hope that my miserable yet costly breakfasts will cease to exist and people actually spend their time with me.
Good luck with ur A's prelims and what not. sorry again for not saying hi, but yeah.. its not a first rite? take care..

and why am i like signing off like a letter to her? its my blog rite? good day everyone.. =)

My first time

I had my first time today.. it was messy.
first time in my life i opened a durian. i was in like polo t and shirt.. it was all over the place.. had like 3 to tackle.. actually quite easy to do.. simple.. just twist at the edges.. and yeah.. when i used my hands it was messy. had ants and stuff.. gross looking.. but yeah.. have to do it someday.. one of those things that men have to do when they grow and stuff. i cant go like.. "eeww.. not going to touch that with my hands.." hahah.. okay.. not that bad.. but.. we all have our firsts..

Primal fears

Today.. i got what i wanted again.. to see her.. out of serendipity.. but somehow.. wasnt wat i expected. when i saw her.. i got nervous.. flight or fight mechanism triggered on.. i had no idea how i am going to say hi to her.. in my slippers , messed up hair.. and yeah.. i was praying she didnt see me.

i didnt say hi, yet again. she stood next to me when we were getting off the train.. and we did.. and i got myself lost in the crowd.. away from her..

the pri sch fear kinda thing came back.. inconfidence.. insecurities.. all layered together like one wrong kuay lapis.. maybe its this period of time.. maybe its because i fear her being judgmental, how fugly i look, how dumb i look and how disgraceful i can be.

i did the same thing once.. and did not say hi, told her so and i got hell. but yeah.. somehow.. that couldnt motivate me enuff to talk.. somehow.. maybe thats why i actually like my genre of girls.. the severe ice queen thing.. she is like the queen of all ice queens and i wasnt able to tackle that.. sadly..

lost to my fears.. once again.

More on Fireworks.

I just realised something that my friend said.. and its v. true..
People change. Time move along and nothing stays the same.

Take fireworks as an example.
1year ago.. i was stuck on some stretch of road, with a specific loved one, sweating like and and yeah.. in the arms of the loved one. -simple yet happy.

now, i got to catch fireworks when i didnt want to, when i was havin chocolate buffet at fullerton, and i caught it at the back yard thingy they have their. -in comfort and chocolate, but alone.

today, its similar, i was at loof, with my mum and my neighbour, (not much company) but in mist of new age, jazzy lounge kinda feel, with beautiful women arnd. - damn comfortable, posh, but still alone.

somehow.. of all the pep i took note off, i was interested in this gal who was drinking a mug of beer, dressed in birkies, t-shirt and jeans. she ate like... me.. using her hand and gobbled, while her friends had cocktails and martinis.. her friends obviously knew how to dress.. but yeah.. the conversation was cool. she was funny, had personality and yeah.. it didnt matter if she didnt bother about appearances... that was cool.

another cool thing i saw was that there was 2 guys with like beers, and i tot it was a guys nite out.. then 1 guy disappeared.. and return with like 2 women and 2 kids.. its like who brings kids to lounge bars or what not? anywae.. the little dude was thirsty.. so he grabbed his dad's beer.. and his dad like grabbed it out of his hand.. and they did that for like N times.. then when they finally got soft drinks it was better.. onli that.. yeah.. the little gal's dad tried to be funny by hiding in the wire fence cum cage thingy and roared at her.. and yeah.. she cried.. it was interesting.. the dad had to run out.. and carry her and comfort her.. the 2 kids were amazed and crawled on the floor (although they could walk) as they were looking at the clear pyrex floor which lets u see people below..
kids are cool.. dumb, funny.. and lack and have a weird sense of humor.. will get someone who like kids.. and is special.. hahaha.. and bring them to loof.. hahaha.. being parents is indeed a chore, but its surely rewarding.

Schs out.. exam's in

Crap.. schs ended. Now.. i have to mug for papers. Not realli motivated to get an A or something.. but yeah.. everyone else is. and yeah.. thats not good.

Been an emo freak lately.. thinkin its the like.. flash back episodes of desperate or lost.. so that yeah.. the viewers wont miss out anything after like donkey episodes.. only prob... my series don really have the suspense or thriller factor in it.. and yeah.. missing those hot chicks too..

So yeah.. think i kinda ran out of stuff to be emo about.. so yeah.. if i find something.. i'll talk about it.. if not.. i'll just experience the beauty of life..

you don have to own a rose to admire its beauty.
you don have to know the girl sitting opposite of ur table but..... u can enjoy the work of art.

Judgement

Was i a good bf?
maybe i didnt treat her how i actually should.
I was mean. abusive.( suffered more trauma than her)
I was spiteful, i was mean.. (did i mention that?)
and yeah.. i wasnt appreciative enough of her.
I didnt give much thought to what she was thinking..
and made her do stuff that i thought right
i was insensitive.. making jokes about stuff which were not funny at all (money,her)
And i repeated that alot. (when i say alot. i mean ALOT)
I treated her like a slaves (washing plates everyone monday)
and i made fun of her infront of my parents, relatives and much more.
i commented on how she look despite how fugly i look.
i ignored her sometimes and i walked faster to make her catch up
i always make her give in during an argument
i make her cry. all the time. alot. (remember what i said bout alot?)

so yeah.. the list goes on.. the only true thing i wanna say is.. yeah.. sorry for being such an ass and yeah.. although i pissed u off at many occasions, i did enjoy the company and the stuff we did. i loved everything u did. But yeah.. why should i show that to you? Thats like showing weakness and yeah. the fugly one is me.

Fireworks

Would u prefer an intense yet short lived relationship? - one that resembles fireworks?
I had one.. enjoyed it.. it was worth it.. but yeah.. it somehow is a coincidence that one of "our song" had this thing about fireworks.. and we had the same luck with fireworks..

remembered the time we went to sentosa alone.. and we camped at the rocky side with that hotel.. and juz when we were going.. there were fireworks.. and yup.. made it even better..
other than that.. it was all the times with the fireworks watching at the esplanade or along the road during the same NDP period this year.. that was cool.

Today was at fullerton at chocolate buffet.. food was alrite.. got girls not bad.. but yeah.. was just for viewing sake.. but yeah. food isnt the same without u.. would like someone who'll eat with me.. someone who likes to enjoy food as much as me and someone to share it with...

got basketball tomorrow and i'm not sleeping yet.. screwd.. its been a year.. cool..

I'm okay..

Somehow.. i'm not drained at all.. i still can do work.. but i have no idea what the quality will be like.. i have 2 more chapters to study.. and my test is tomorrow after my yakult trip.. going to complain to the lecturer how the other lecturer screwd up our report by giving wrong instructions.. damn.. why didnt i ask him.. why didn i ask doc pho.. damn.. too late to regret now..

Somehow.. my old friend reappeared and yeah.. became someone whom i can rely on during the late nights.. someone i can msg before i sleep and stuff.. maybe sometimes friends can be companions too.. and yeah.. maybe.. just maybe when i'm truely over this.. something can happen..

But yeah.. i think its cool just to have friends who care.. even though some of them are flawed and others just love to point out the flaws of others.. everyone is flawed.. i know i am.. but i don point others out.. cause.. once again.. it doesnt realli matter rite?