Screwd life.

rehab was going fine until unknown interactions with my plans.
Lost motivation to turn into nice ass( good ? or bad?)
Continued drinking.
sumation of the 2 = being called a liar (true but not v. nice)

Gain a new friend, broke her head.
Cried when i found my new meaning in live- a synthetic substitute for another being.
Destroy all my efforts, back to reoccuring dreams
Still haunted by my past, onli now, worst, torn and dismayed
Whatever the last word meant...

Built fiction and called it my life.
With real people except with made up lives.
Personalities that i like, everyone with good intentions
Onli now that i see, a freaking bunch of lies.

See. self deception is bad. Duh?
Motivation using the wrong people or facts. Bad!
I like the punctuations. Make me see ever so spiteful.
But yeah.. i still cant rhyme.

Regret

Death has always been intriguing for me
How it can result in changes so drastic that it can change a person's direction towards life.
How it can make macro changes in the world
and how this destructive force can be a driving force for many.

But.. for some.. it takes the drive away... With that comes regret.
Would u be proud of what how u are treating those around you?
What would happen if someone close was to move on and cease to exist?
Would u regret not spending enough time, giving them the attention and concern that they require?
Would u dwell on instances which u are guilty for, when u know u were wrong but just cant seem to say sorry and did something drastic?
Would u want to undo all these mistakes?
I for one enjoy living in memories, but get very much affected by repeating memories of mistakes, in which pain is also dealt to another being.

The whole idea of how a person lives will result in whether regret will be prominent.
I believe in balance, hence, i cant be only kind or only evil but a combination and expressed of either at a certain period or situation.

I am nice.. at least i think i am at certain times. But there is still the evil or ugly side of me.
I don believe in being nice 24-7 because dissapointment exist. What i can do for others others might not do for me. and i don no expect to the same degree.. only the rare instances that i hope for and often odes not occur and get even more dissapointed.

i bear the strain on being nice to everyone and everyday. people get tired.. and thats why i believe there has to be another side.. only that it should be occuring lesser than the before.

Regret comes in the picture when the nice persona recalls events of the evil period.
But should i attempt the impossible of staying nice and postive for eternity?
or live with my philosophy with the likely chance of regret in my life?

I'll opt for the first. but i hope dissapointments do not overcome me. As everytime it gets harder and harder to positive and nice.

Good luck to myself with the war waged against myself.. beliefs and the world.

Updates

Are blogs all about what people have done and thought about others? maybe i shall inject more meaning into this portal to different worlds.

Sober= for 2 weeks. onli. 6% also consided alcohol..

Missing someone.

Mind's screwd. Weird thoughts. Studied anatomy a wee bit too much.

Attraction is weird. For me at least. Sometimes.. sins are not all that u can have or want. Sometimes pep just want a simple way out. Someone to love.. may not seek for any in return.. but enough. Food. U don need gormet food everyday.. wine.. don need to be intoxicated every single day..

Get High on life.. Addicted to love..
Thats all i need..
But yeah.. will i covet for the opposite when i have that?
That we will not know..

1 week ago..

Exactly 1 week ago.. i was at one of my friends house..
2.++ am .. hahaha

Before that was 100% pure fun.. so much fun that i haven had in a long time..
Actually forgot how it feels like to just hang with friends.. without stress.. playing lanterns.. candles and setting play grounds on fire.. what a wonderful like of teens inhaling 1st hand pollution with the combustion of scrap found around us.. its been sometime since i;ve met up with my old old friends.. and yeah.. i guess its the same after all.. onli that we have gone on our separate paths but still could get together on this one occasion.. the one that started everything.. yx's birthday.. hahah

as part of our long traditions.. her birthday is impt.. we have to celebrate with her and yeah.. i have used all ways to cheat lie and deceive her into thinking that we have forgotten.. as a part of being older.. we skipped all those and jumped into the celebrate with a little alcohol to bring the mood up.. 6%., its a kid drink.. hahaha

But yeah.. its been a week and i'm missing them already..but u can always have good times... or can u..?

Updates updates and updates

Life is quite screwd.
I shld get a bigger social circle.
Falling for the wrong girls.
Would u make a choice between having someone as only a friend or someone close if u only allowed 1 scenario and no over lapping?
What would u do.
Friends last a lifetime.. flings... what? its over already.

Okay.. to that someone out there.. i'll let time take its course..
will see in the future.. spin life as if its a coin and let fate decide.
not very existentialist.. but.. i guess.. what else can i do.

Suffering leads to experience which justifies my existence.
I suffer therefore i exist.. Me
i believe therefore i exist... Schizo me
I do not exist.. Pessimist
I think therefore i exist... Rene Decartes

16 hours to judgement

results coming in less than 16hrs. so many bdays. Meetings. My head is so empty now. something is sucking me dry. i don feel good. i feel sick. i need a break. philosophical one. what shld i do tomorrow? go for a walk alone? i wanna go some where to get some rest. sit. think. figure stuff out.

i need help.

The last week

Seriously.. i tot the holidays would onli be hard to endure.. but yeah.. the past week was cool.. Its a mainly CLS event until friday when we had dinner with goh and fish and co. alrite for me.. but i ate that 2 days in a row.. exact same dishes too..

monday was sentosa cum stay over day.. interesting.. CLS people first time come my house.. not bad..some left in the morning.. leaving jy and wayne staying til like 4 or 5.. then it came days when i had to go back for meetings.. to confirm stuff.. seeing wk every single day of the week.. hahaha..

interesting.. interesting.. life has go into a turn.. somehow. theres not much to say but i realli hope i don screw up IC.. and yeah.. don want to make that a trad.

helping to do inventory and getting stuff tomorrow.. hope wont be too bad.. and yeah.. game trial soon.. i hope everything goes well.. cross finger*