My goals in life

HAhah.. seriously. Taste buds are hard to pay for. I like good food , places with good ambience. special places.

Places where u can bring girls and impress them. but. u need a tonne of cash. Due to the fact that i don no have a mine of goal or have parents who own a company which prints money, i have to work for it.

And yeah.. will i be able to lead that lifestyle? i want to. i have to . and i'll hope there will be a lucky sharing them with me.

Been going out with mum alot. fancy bars. good food. drinks. and i realli think that life without her might just make it more interesting in the future. too bad you werent there at loof watching fireworks or at mt faber.. maybe the next will.. =)

Altivo is at mt faber jewel box, peak of mt faber. great scenary and on looking sentosa and central singapore. The toilet is a must-see too.. great view to pee. hahaha.. food was great too.. hahaha..

Contemplation

i remember using the title before and my friends believe that its always nothing good.
but i believe thought is good.

i went a full circle to understand how relationships work.. how i tried to impress everyone but end up at the same starting pt, how i put down my guard and bummed arnd and finally got attention. How i can come from a family where physical contact is weird and end up with a girl who thought me much more than any book could about the impacts of mere contact of the human hand.

i learnt alot. but i'm still ending up here sitting infront of the com. unwilling to give up my thoughts and go to sleep. i'm back now where physical contact with any living organism is approximately 0 and where in the world i am alone.. until a familiar face strikes me.

i'm sober for some time and i actually took advice from people i ignored from the start. "Be a nicer person, don be mean. Stop drinking.. u cant drink as well as u think.." I proved myself wrong by puking a 120buck bot of wine.. that i regret and end up lonely with no one to do a simple thing as to dine with me.

Food is tasteless.. without companion. i have lost my taste.. my touch.. my senses are numb now.. no one realli knows.. and no one will.. until someone.. has the able to break off the chains i put on myself.. and let me warm up to people again..

Just a tinge of sadness.. even the wonderful flowers at secret garden are sitting and waiting.. someone to buy them for.. sad.. truely.. sad..

When u look into the abyss, the abyss looks into you

Perception is interesting.. especially if u adopt the optimist kinda attitude..

Think about this line.. "when u look into the abyss, the abyss look into you"
Thats what i call a deep metaphorical line and stuff which no one can understand..

Okay.. what i think of it meaning is that no matter what u do, look at something, think, judge, somehow.. you're judging yourself.. no matter what u are looking at, u are indeed looking at yourself..

hahaa.. think alot will not agree.. but yeah.. maybe its just me egoistical.. so whatever i see.. i see myself.. i always think that its true.. no matter what judgements, u are judging yourself and how u compare things is by the use of comparison with urself.

By judgement.. u always compare to oneself.. Someone say that that guy is a mean sarcastic asshole, i say no... i say he's alrite.. and yeah.. if u can beat me.. you're alrite..

When u look at a situation.. who's the first person u associated it with ? family? friends?
Mostly you right.. and yeah.. by you.. u would be judging the situation by ur perception which is mainly judging you. and how you look at things?

i'm losing myself.. so yeah.. guess i'll stop here.. will continue another day
Hope you get better nic.. Being religious(rarely).. take care of yourself.

Fractured memory

The mechanisms of the human brain is quite cool. Some memories vanish for eternity.. others get stuck in your head and stay as long as u live.. Sappy chinese songs are mostly the latter.. and the best part.. i can remember the lyrics and still sing to it.. when its.. something i heard when i was.. young.. realli realli.. young...

大约在冬季
歌手:齐秦
没有你的日子里我会更加珍惜自己
没有我的岁月里你要保重你自己
你问我何时归故里我也轻声地问自己
不是在此时不知在何时我想大约会是在冬季

i could only like understand the chorus and here it its.. its kinda an irritating song delicated to a like girlfriend or Ex girlfriend kinda thing.. and i was singing it one day.. just to annoy my friends.. hahaha

but yeah.. being nice for like 3 days already.. surviving.. and yeah.. friends liking it too..
and yeah.. i was shocked for what i can tolerate

nicole had tix to the Pan Wei Bo thing.. which aloy would rather burn in an electric oven than go to.. but i went with her and her sis.. it was cool. going there with the 2 of them were cool too.. and yeah.. showed me how other families are like.. when people actually have fun and arent so dull.. hahaha.. and yeah.. they're like similar in the sister sense.. and yeah.. it was cool.. fun.. and cool..

and we like had dinner together.. like hokkien mee and carrot cake at the curry kue place.. not bad.. but i think i was too hungry to the point i was spent even after finishing everything.. sleepy... hahaha.. but yeah.. its cool to do different stuff.. some times.. different music which seem weird might still work out somehow.. =)

Awakening

Interesting.. my new perspective on life..
somehow.. i have reached this conclusion before.. but i didnt adopt this
people are happy.. because of the light they see situations in..
optimistic people lead great lives..
pessimists suck. duh?

Okay.. it took shiying and a wonderful subway breakfast for me to get to this conclusion.
i would not say that i'm LIKE shiying.. but.. she is an example.. she was happy speaking to her friend on the train.. (when i was fighting with myself to see whether i have the guts to say hi to her..) and yeah..it became worst when her friend left and came the freezing air arnd me.

then came the bacon and egg this morning.. it was great. i spend money on it. worth it.. but i'm eating.. alone? yes alone. where did i go wrong? its my attitude.. the daoism thing.. like the icy aura when shiying's friend left. and yeah.. my pessimistic ass was afraid to talk to her. and.. what can i learn? i have to be less hostile in appearance, in my case its my character that i actually have to change to have someone come up to me and talk. socialise.. and have friends..
I cant be mean , sarcastic and agressive like what i usually am to have people just come up to me and be nice. and yeah.. somehow, we were on this topic before and now i have a different perspective on that.

so yeah.. shiying.. by any chance of getting to this article.. please do not get upset as this just mean i actually learnt something from you.. and that all u have said is right. i shldnt be so mean and assholic on purpose so as to have FRIENDS. and yeah.. as u have said.. they matter and ultimately.. u were and always would be right ..

and my new resolution is to treat everyone arnd me nicely and hope that my miserable yet costly breakfasts will cease to exist and people actually spend their time with me.
Good luck with ur A's prelims and what not. sorry again for not saying hi, but yeah.. its not a first rite? take care..

and why am i like signing off like a letter to her? its my blog rite? good day everyone.. =)

My first time

I had my first time today.. it was messy.
first time in my life i opened a durian. i was in like polo t and shirt.. it was all over the place.. had like 3 to tackle.. actually quite easy to do.. simple.. just twist at the edges.. and yeah.. when i used my hands it was messy. had ants and stuff.. gross looking.. but yeah.. have to do it someday.. one of those things that men have to do when they grow and stuff. i cant go like.. "eeww.. not going to touch that with my hands.." hahah.. okay.. not that bad.. but.. we all have our firsts..

Primal fears

Today.. i got what i wanted again.. to see her.. out of serendipity.. but somehow.. wasnt wat i expected. when i saw her.. i got nervous.. flight or fight mechanism triggered on.. i had no idea how i am going to say hi to her.. in my slippers , messed up hair.. and yeah.. i was praying she didnt see me.

i didnt say hi, yet again. she stood next to me when we were getting off the train.. and we did.. and i got myself lost in the crowd.. away from her..

the pri sch fear kinda thing came back.. inconfidence.. insecurities.. all layered together like one wrong kuay lapis.. maybe its this period of time.. maybe its because i fear her being judgmental, how fugly i look, how dumb i look and how disgraceful i can be.

i did the same thing once.. and did not say hi, told her so and i got hell. but yeah.. somehow.. that couldnt motivate me enuff to talk.. somehow.. maybe thats why i actually like my genre of girls.. the severe ice queen thing.. she is like the queen of all ice queens and i wasnt able to tackle that.. sadly..

lost to my fears.. once again.