My first time

I had my first time today.. it was messy.
first time in my life i opened a durian. i was in like polo t and shirt.. it was all over the place.. had like 3 to tackle.. actually quite easy to do.. simple.. just twist at the edges.. and yeah.. when i used my hands it was messy. had ants and stuff.. gross looking.. but yeah.. have to do it someday.. one of those things that men have to do when they grow and stuff. i cant go like.. "eeww.. not going to touch that with my hands.." hahah.. okay.. not that bad.. but.. we all have our firsts..

Primal fears

Today.. i got what i wanted again.. to see her.. out of serendipity.. but somehow.. wasnt wat i expected. when i saw her.. i got nervous.. flight or fight mechanism triggered on.. i had no idea how i am going to say hi to her.. in my slippers , messed up hair.. and yeah.. i was praying she didnt see me.

i didnt say hi, yet again. she stood next to me when we were getting off the train.. and we did.. and i got myself lost in the crowd.. away from her..

the pri sch fear kinda thing came back.. inconfidence.. insecurities.. all layered together like one wrong kuay lapis.. maybe its this period of time.. maybe its because i fear her being judgmental, how fugly i look, how dumb i look and how disgraceful i can be.

i did the same thing once.. and did not say hi, told her so and i got hell. but yeah.. somehow.. that couldnt motivate me enuff to talk.. somehow.. maybe thats why i actually like my genre of girls.. the severe ice queen thing.. she is like the queen of all ice queens and i wasnt able to tackle that.. sadly..

lost to my fears.. once again.

More on Fireworks.

I just realised something that my friend said.. and its v. true..
People change. Time move along and nothing stays the same.

Take fireworks as an example.
1year ago.. i was stuck on some stretch of road, with a specific loved one, sweating like and and yeah.. in the arms of the loved one. -simple yet happy.

now, i got to catch fireworks when i didnt want to, when i was havin chocolate buffet at fullerton, and i caught it at the back yard thingy they have their. -in comfort and chocolate, but alone.

today, its similar, i was at loof, with my mum and my neighbour, (not much company) but in mist of new age, jazzy lounge kinda feel, with beautiful women arnd. - damn comfortable, posh, but still alone.

somehow.. of all the pep i took note off, i was interested in this gal who was drinking a mug of beer, dressed in birkies, t-shirt and jeans. she ate like... me.. using her hand and gobbled, while her friends had cocktails and martinis.. her friends obviously knew how to dress.. but yeah.. the conversation was cool. she was funny, had personality and yeah.. it didnt matter if she didnt bother about appearances... that was cool.

another cool thing i saw was that there was 2 guys with like beers, and i tot it was a guys nite out.. then 1 guy disappeared.. and return with like 2 women and 2 kids.. its like who brings kids to lounge bars or what not? anywae.. the little dude was thirsty.. so he grabbed his dad's beer.. and his dad like grabbed it out of his hand.. and they did that for like N times.. then when they finally got soft drinks it was better.. onli that.. yeah.. the little gal's dad tried to be funny by hiding in the wire fence cum cage thingy and roared at her.. and yeah.. she cried.. it was interesting.. the dad had to run out.. and carry her and comfort her.. the 2 kids were amazed and crawled on the floor (although they could walk) as they were looking at the clear pyrex floor which lets u see people below..
kids are cool.. dumb, funny.. and lack and have a weird sense of humor.. will get someone who like kids.. and is special.. hahaha.. and bring them to loof.. hahaha.. being parents is indeed a chore, but its surely rewarding.

Schs out.. exam's in

Crap.. schs ended. Now.. i have to mug for papers. Not realli motivated to get an A or something.. but yeah.. everyone else is. and yeah.. thats not good.

Been an emo freak lately.. thinkin its the like.. flash back episodes of desperate or lost.. so that yeah.. the viewers wont miss out anything after like donkey episodes.. only prob... my series don really have the suspense or thriller factor in it.. and yeah.. missing those hot chicks too..

So yeah.. think i kinda ran out of stuff to be emo about.. so yeah.. if i find something.. i'll talk about it.. if not.. i'll just experience the beauty of life..

you don have to own a rose to admire its beauty.
you don have to know the girl sitting opposite of ur table but..... u can enjoy the work of art.

Judgement

Was i a good bf?
maybe i didnt treat her how i actually should.
I was mean. abusive.( suffered more trauma than her)
I was spiteful, i was mean.. (did i mention that?)
and yeah.. i wasnt appreciative enough of her.
I didnt give much thought to what she was thinking..
and made her do stuff that i thought right
i was insensitive.. making jokes about stuff which were not funny at all (money,her)
And i repeated that alot. (when i say alot. i mean ALOT)
I treated her like a slaves (washing plates everyone monday)
and i made fun of her infront of my parents, relatives and much more.
i commented on how she look despite how fugly i look.
i ignored her sometimes and i walked faster to make her catch up
i always make her give in during an argument
i make her cry. all the time. alot. (remember what i said bout alot?)

so yeah.. the list goes on.. the only true thing i wanna say is.. yeah.. sorry for being such an ass and yeah.. although i pissed u off at many occasions, i did enjoy the company and the stuff we did. i loved everything u did. But yeah.. why should i show that to you? Thats like showing weakness and yeah. the fugly one is me.

Fireworks

Would u prefer an intense yet short lived relationship? - one that resembles fireworks?
I had one.. enjoyed it.. it was worth it.. but yeah.. it somehow is a coincidence that one of "our song" had this thing about fireworks.. and we had the same luck with fireworks..

remembered the time we went to sentosa alone.. and we camped at the rocky side with that hotel.. and juz when we were going.. there were fireworks.. and yup.. made it even better..
other than that.. it was all the times with the fireworks watching at the esplanade or along the road during the same NDP period this year.. that was cool.

Today was at fullerton at chocolate buffet.. food was alrite.. got girls not bad.. but yeah.. was just for viewing sake.. but yeah. food isnt the same without u.. would like someone who'll eat with me.. someone who likes to enjoy food as much as me and someone to share it with...

got basketball tomorrow and i'm not sleeping yet.. screwd.. its been a year.. cool..

I'm okay..

Somehow.. i'm not drained at all.. i still can do work.. but i have no idea what the quality will be like.. i have 2 more chapters to study.. and my test is tomorrow after my yakult trip.. going to complain to the lecturer how the other lecturer screwd up our report by giving wrong instructions.. damn.. why didnt i ask him.. why didn i ask doc pho.. damn.. too late to regret now..

Somehow.. my old friend reappeared and yeah.. became someone whom i can rely on during the late nights.. someone i can msg before i sleep and stuff.. maybe sometimes friends can be companions too.. and yeah.. maybe.. just maybe when i'm truely over this.. something can happen..

But yeah.. i think its cool just to have friends who care.. even though some of them are flawed and others just love to point out the flaws of others.. everyone is flawed.. i know i am.. but i don point others out.. cause.. once again.. it doesnt realli matter rite?