time off...

What i regarded as a retreat turned out to be over-rated.
I could not show what i really felt.. i still had my mask on throughout the nite...
i didnt find someone to talk to.. someone who would listen to what i'm feeling.. but.. i guess its fine...

The problem with this is that.. i might not find that someone within this 2 weeks of holidays.. and i might as well go insane with all the emotions buried deep inside of me.. i realli need to let it all go.. and then recover and move on...

i like cycling.. i like the wind that comes with it.. but somehow.. the feeling of freedom was not all that was present.. there was a tinge of.. sadness... somehow.. i recalled the last time i had that feeling.. and it was after another era..

i guess my theory was rite.. and i'm at the part of the cycle where night is longer than day, and the world just crashes down back onto you.. and yes.. the long bus rifes.. starting to miss them.. and yeah.. there will be philosophy....

thinking twice

Did i give up my committments too easily? i might have another interesting situation if i chose something what i did.. even maybe reach the top of my career of some sort.. oh my god.. am i screwing up my own life for something that is even to me... useless?

i need a drink...

Am i going to settle with this life?

From a very long time ago.. i have found my goals to be rich and sucessful.. To be a highly paid professional who spends money like water.. and still have a sucessful life..

After my recent family gathering, i saw that my side of the family does not realli have that few characteristic while the rather 3rd degree relative has that wonderful life that i'll die for..

did i make another wrong choice that will result in a alternative future? am i holding onto a life style too much that i might stay like this forever and lose the chances of getting my wonderful life?

Do i have to let go of everything i have now to pursue for that goal that i might not reach? being motivated is good for me.. but is there something as being over motivated?

i know i wont settle for a normal.. peaceful middle income family with a 9-5 job where i have to come home for dinner, sleep and wake up in the morning for another mundane day of work?

I wanna play.. have fun.. know people.. but.. is there something in my life stopping me? should i pursue that freedom? Can i?


realli confused

Are you destined for failure?

Hey guys.. don be surprised! this is not the philosophy blog.. cause.. what i am going to say is more of genetics.. and not.. sad nihilistic philosophy..

Are you destined to fail? Something i thought of after thinking about Dr Lecter's stand on genetics.. the one about pigeons as examples.. here it goes..

High rolling pigeon - Dominant-R+
Low rolling Pigeon- Recessive-Rl

The dominant trait will cover the recessive trait and hence cause the offspring to be a high flyer. And according to mendel's rule.. ratio is like 3:1..

that means.. out of 3 offsprings.. 3 of them will be a dominant high rolling pigeon.. and 1 will be a low rolling pigeon. cause the ratio is like 1R+R+, 2R+Rl and 1RlRl(which is the low rolling pigeon)...

The significance of all this is that a high rolling pigeon can breed with either another high rolling pigeon or a low rolling pigeon, but a low rolling pigeon can onli mate with a high rolling pigeon as if a pure recessive low rolling pigeon is born,

It will be almost sure that it will DIE.... It will perform somersaults that will be too low and cause it to crash into the ground and die. (while the other happily rescues itself by flying..)

What if you're that pathetic 1 out of 4? predestined to have a disease or a problem that will cause ur failure in life? who knows? there might even be a failure gene not expressed in your DNA..

We'll never know...

Dread

Do you know your demons?
Be glad that you don.
If you know what they are capable of, you'll prefer you'll never knew about it
I have shown a portion of what i can do.. and someone can easily get hurt..
Somehow.. Deja vu... Stuck in the sick cycle...

Fighting my demons.. something that i can due alone
i need something to chain me to not hurt anyone i love..
Even it is at my expense..
I have to do this..

This feeling is all too familiar..
All these primal demons arise from a common source.
YSUOlAEJ
Something has to be done

Emergence

I have a feeling deep down inside out me.. Something familiar is going to coming back.
Something that might not be useful for myself.
Something that i dread.
Something many will think that will do more harm than good to me.
But however, i do not feel that way. When God gives you something he takes something away from you.. and i believe he has given me something when he takes my happiness away.

However, is that what i want? Will it harm those who are close to me? I hope not..
As i would be fighting myself.. once again..

Back..

After 2 mths of hardcore spending and drinking coffee, we are back together..
Maybe after being apart for so long, it finally occurred to us that maybe we realli did love the company of each other that much, even though most people would regard this as a teen immature 16 year old relationship.

Anyhow, i'm 17 and in 4 mths, i can walk into a 7-11 and pick out any alcoholic beverage and stick my IC into the cashier's face. And yeah, maybe when we decided to give it the most into the relationship, we realli did what we said and we realli had an impact on each other.

I kinda miss being in a relationship. Although u cant just go out the next second after u thought of going out, u cant spend money on yourself just as you would want to, and most of all decide to stay out till the next morning without telling anyone ANYTHING. i like that, but i also like having someone to ask if i've woken up at 2pm, or msg me in the morning when i cant even tell if i'm dreaming or is actually realli look at the handphone.

Life is different.. now... again... i just hope it will just get better and better.. and i'll enjoy it more and more... but now.. i guess.. the metaphor for it as fireworks doesnt realli stand now.. maybe we can be like.. a normal couple? maybe... onli maybe...