16 hours to judgement

results coming in less than 16hrs. so many bdays. Meetings. My head is so empty now. something is sucking me dry. i don feel good. i feel sick. i need a break. philosophical one. what shld i do tomorrow? go for a walk alone? i wanna go some where to get some rest. sit. think. figure stuff out.

i need help.

The last week

Seriously.. i tot the holidays would onli be hard to endure.. but yeah.. the past week was cool.. Its a mainly CLS event until friday when we had dinner with goh and fish and co. alrite for me.. but i ate that 2 days in a row.. exact same dishes too..

monday was sentosa cum stay over day.. interesting.. CLS people first time come my house.. not bad..some left in the morning.. leaving jy and wayne staying til like 4 or 5.. then it came days when i had to go back for meetings.. to confirm stuff.. seeing wk every single day of the week.. hahaha..

interesting.. interesting.. life has go into a turn.. somehow. theres not much to say but i realli hope i don screw up IC.. and yeah.. don want to make that a trad.

helping to do inventory and getting stuff tomorrow.. hope wont be too bad.. and yeah.. game trial soon.. i hope everything goes well.. cross finger*

Pr Comm Outing

Hemm.. the outing to sentosa was fine.. couldnt get high initially.. actually throughout whole thing not high.. hahaha.. didnt realli get a tan and stuff but had fun..

Then came pool.. i played like crap and i was so lousy.. hahaha.. too long never touch.. and yeah.. think i getting older.. losing the vibes and stuff already..

Ton-ning session.. cool.. somehow.. it became my house and yeah.. its like spot check to my house.. house was relatively clean.. mum shld have done some cleaning and yeah.. having a spare room in the house is great.. partying.. drinking.. eating.. talking rubbish and yeah.. there was a surprise guest who got locked outside of the house when she bought M&ms and decided to go for a ride on 502.. i replied her onli like after an hour cause my phone was still comfortably in my bag and yeah.. then i asked her to come over to just avoid having to need to sit outside her house till morn. and yeah.. there was a bathroom for her. hahaha..

i stayed up till like 6.. when i finally lost consciousness and drop and fell asleep. i had no idea how i got onto my bed and yeah.. slept tru the time where my siblings and parents were awake and god knows what they thought.. hahaah.. so. yeah.. brace myself for the scary stuff.. hahaha.. but it was just plain innocent conking out on my bed..

wayne ww wk and jy were at my place and it was cool.. got to know more abt them and they should have learnt something about me.. something tells me i'm going to continue living this way till i finally decide to commit again.. friends are cool.. u don need some girl to take up ur life and isolate myself.. too bad i'm not going to genting.. saddening..

My goals in life

HAhah.. seriously. Taste buds are hard to pay for. I like good food , places with good ambience. special places.

Places where u can bring girls and impress them. but. u need a tonne of cash. Due to the fact that i don no have a mine of goal or have parents who own a company which prints money, i have to work for it.

And yeah.. will i be able to lead that lifestyle? i want to. i have to . and i'll hope there will be a lucky sharing them with me.

Been going out with mum alot. fancy bars. good food. drinks. and i realli think that life without her might just make it more interesting in the future. too bad you werent there at loof watching fireworks or at mt faber.. maybe the next will.. =)

Altivo is at mt faber jewel box, peak of mt faber. great scenary and on looking sentosa and central singapore. The toilet is a must-see too.. great view to pee. hahaha.. food was great too.. hahaha..

Contemplation

i remember using the title before and my friends believe that its always nothing good.
but i believe thought is good.

i went a full circle to understand how relationships work.. how i tried to impress everyone but end up at the same starting pt, how i put down my guard and bummed arnd and finally got attention. How i can come from a family where physical contact is weird and end up with a girl who thought me much more than any book could about the impacts of mere contact of the human hand.

i learnt alot. but i'm still ending up here sitting infront of the com. unwilling to give up my thoughts and go to sleep. i'm back now where physical contact with any living organism is approximately 0 and where in the world i am alone.. until a familiar face strikes me.

i'm sober for some time and i actually took advice from people i ignored from the start. "Be a nicer person, don be mean. Stop drinking.. u cant drink as well as u think.." I proved myself wrong by puking a 120buck bot of wine.. that i regret and end up lonely with no one to do a simple thing as to dine with me.

Food is tasteless.. without companion. i have lost my taste.. my touch.. my senses are numb now.. no one realli knows.. and no one will.. until someone.. has the able to break off the chains i put on myself.. and let me warm up to people again..

Just a tinge of sadness.. even the wonderful flowers at secret garden are sitting and waiting.. someone to buy them for.. sad.. truely.. sad..

When u look into the abyss, the abyss looks into you

Perception is interesting.. especially if u adopt the optimist kinda attitude..

Think about this line.. "when u look into the abyss, the abyss look into you"
Thats what i call a deep metaphorical line and stuff which no one can understand..

Okay.. what i think of it meaning is that no matter what u do, look at something, think, judge, somehow.. you're judging yourself.. no matter what u are looking at, u are indeed looking at yourself..

hahaa.. think alot will not agree.. but yeah.. maybe its just me egoistical.. so whatever i see.. i see myself.. i always think that its true.. no matter what judgements, u are judging yourself and how u compare things is by the use of comparison with urself.

By judgement.. u always compare to oneself.. Someone say that that guy is a mean sarcastic asshole, i say no... i say he's alrite.. and yeah.. if u can beat me.. you're alrite..

When u look at a situation.. who's the first person u associated it with ? family? friends?
Mostly you right.. and yeah.. by you.. u would be judging the situation by ur perception which is mainly judging you. and how you look at things?

i'm losing myself.. so yeah.. guess i'll stop here.. will continue another day
Hope you get better nic.. Being religious(rarely).. take care of yourself.

Fractured memory

The mechanisms of the human brain is quite cool. Some memories vanish for eternity.. others get stuck in your head and stay as long as u live.. Sappy chinese songs are mostly the latter.. and the best part.. i can remember the lyrics and still sing to it.. when its.. something i heard when i was.. young.. realli realli.. young...

大约在冬季
歌手:齐秦
没有你的日子里我会更加珍惜自己
没有我的岁月里你要保重你自己
你问我何时归故里我也轻声地问自己
不是在此时不知在何时我想大约会是在冬季

i could only like understand the chorus and here it its.. its kinda an irritating song delicated to a like girlfriend or Ex girlfriend kinda thing.. and i was singing it one day.. just to annoy my friends.. hahaha

but yeah.. being nice for like 3 days already.. surviving.. and yeah.. friends liking it too..
and yeah.. i was shocked for what i can tolerate

nicole had tix to the Pan Wei Bo thing.. which aloy would rather burn in an electric oven than go to.. but i went with her and her sis.. it was cool. going there with the 2 of them were cool too.. and yeah.. showed me how other families are like.. when people actually have fun and arent so dull.. hahaha.. and yeah.. they're like similar in the sister sense.. and yeah.. it was cool.. fun.. and cool..

and we like had dinner together.. like hokkien mee and carrot cake at the curry kue place.. not bad.. but i think i was too hungry to the point i was spent even after finishing everything.. sleepy... hahaha.. but yeah.. its cool to do different stuff.. some times.. different music which seem weird might still work out somehow.. =)